Let me begin with this: I blame men. I blame the rom-coms you wrote, the manic-pixie-dream girls you created, the image you invented for us to live up to. Que Cool Girl monologue.
From what I can gather, the term “pick-me” girl comes from the Grey’s Anatomy monologue where she’s all “pick me, choose me, love me” and I guess that works? I’ve never seen the show but I assume both of these characters die at some point. Anyways. The urban dictionary definition is, “a woman that is willing to do anything for male approval. She will embarrass or throw other women under the bus to achieve this goal. The unfortunate thing about a pick me is usually the men they are trying to seek approval from are of poor quality and treat women badly, leaving little real benefit for the pick me.” Woooof.
Before I dig in, I want to emphasize the empathy necessary to dissect… whatever this term is. It likely comes from a place of insecurity, and as someone who is working through their insecurities(!!) I can confirm that it sucks and is a really hard thing to do. I also don’t love the term “pick-me” girl because it feels… sexist? Maybe it’s because the term feels like it was also invented by a man. Or because it’s caused by men. The person losing in a pick-me situation is always the “pick-me” girl. There aren’t many situations you can predict, but unfortunately, you can predict pick-me situations.
High school was rampant with traits of the “pick me” urban dictionary definition – girls fighting over boys who weren’t even present during said fight, trying to seem “different” as if that makes you more attractive, constantly pitting ourselves against each other. And for what? Unwashed fools from Brooklyn, who don’t care about anything except Kubrick (but especially not you), whose only drive in life is swiping on tinder? WHY???!!!!! FOR WHAT BABES!!!!??? Never, not once, did it result in anything except for broken friendships and angry moms. In high school nobody could internalize that high school, but especially high school boys, do not matter. I excuse this time in a woman’s life, because when I was 15 someone could tell me I was pretty and I’d still find a way to think they were insulting me. It is so, so hard emotionally to be a teenage girl. Obviously, I wish that we hadn’t all grown up thinking the only thing that mattered was falling in love (so that we could be WIVES !! duh), but that’s America I guess.
The real issue for me, is how this behavior continues post high school. There’s no more 8 period days or a set grade of people you have to do everything with. This makes it easier (key word EASIER) for all of us to grow out of our insecurities, no longer attached to the person everyone knew us as from 14-18. Some people do not want to be disattached from who they were in high school. For some, high school is the image they want to maintain. And I think that’s where the serious problems begin- when people actively refuse to grow.
I see adult women on twitter shading other adult women on twitter LITERALLY all the time. The most recent one I saw was over a girl writing jokes about shitty men. Nothing else, just a woman (who is a comic) making fun of another woman’s (who is a comic) style of joke writing. But…. not in the way that you poke fun at someone. It was clear “shade.” The replies had many, many men piling on, as if they were vampires that’d been invited into the house by a Disney mom. THIS IS WHY “PICK-ME” is so dangerous. Female comics already have a tough time making vulgar jokes without being ostracized, so when female comics- for no reason- publicly attack each other- it enables the assholes who started this whole problem in the first place.
The point I keep coming back to in my mind is that some people just don’t want to grow. And sometimes a side effect of that is throwing other women under the bus to make yourself look better. This is because of internalized misogyny, and coming back to the theme of it all…. Insecurity!!! If you or someone you know sounds like this description… there’s always time to come back from the dark side<3 I promise pretending you like IPA’s will not help you get the babies sooner.
But also, please be nice to yourself because getting over insecurities is a biiitch and the first step is to start thinking highly of yourself. Take your time, it will take lots of it. I PROMISE it will result in a higher quality man than someone who won’t even have breakfast with you. Also, be nice to other women! I’m insecure and you don’t see me tweeting away at girls who didn’t do anything wrong!
And, for those asking why I hate men so much, clearly you haven’t been reading close enough because I feel I’ve made your flaws and how you can improve on them very clear.