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adopting selena gomez’s methods

All my dreams lately have had three main recurring components: people from my past, the general feeling of everyone being mad at me, and- stay with me- Hillary Clinton. The part I’m most concerned about is obviously the latter because I try to keep Hillary as a non-key component of my life. She lives in a repressed part of my brain along with all other “celebrities” that tweet one word and get 500K likes after disastrous world events. 

The only link I can see to all of this is the years 2015-2016, which is when Hillary was the expected president and I was in high school, constantly thinking people were mad at me. I always thought that eventually, all of these insecurities and teenage dreads would end- and they did. But, if that’s true, why am I having stress dreams about situations I haven’t thought about since graduation?

I’ve been a doormat my whole life. An eternal optimist, I was taught to treat people with kindness. The issue with teaching kindness is we forget the limitations of what and who is deserving of it. Yes, you should never put out negative energy- but you should not waste your positive energy. This is a concept I only recently grasped. I grew up treating people with kindness, but more than often not receiving it back. Okay, I thought, well Selena Gomez preaches Kill ‘Em With Kindness and she’s successful so I’ll do that. And so, the cycle began.

  Despite having a mother who literally advised me to “punch my bullies in the box,” I’ve never been great at standing up for myself in social situations. Elementary, middle and high school felt like they were competing for which could make me befriend people worse for me. And the little things, even at a young age, began to build. My fuse got shorter, lashing out over minute problems that barely deserved my attention. Suddenly, I was taking so much shit from the people I didn’t even know that well, and putting that negative energy on the people who loved me. It was a lose-lose, unfair trade both ways.

 And now, at 20, I find myself being affected by it still. The hurt that I brushed over for long catches up to me- I still have moments of lashing out over nothing, and I still feel extremely triggered by girls wearing chokers.  Because for so long, and even still, I have allowed so many people to speak down to me, without directly confronting them- particularly, in the moment.

 A comic once said to me, “Always prepare heckler jokes,” as every comic inevitably has their encounters with a drunken asshole. If you have the jokes prepared, it makes it easier to prepare how to respond. Even if you don’t use those jokes and improvise something else, at least your strength has been manifesting for some time. 

Fights, rude comments, even hecklers- cannot ever fully be “prepared” for. It’s about building up the knowledge, stamina and power to handle whatever is thrown at you- at any moment. I still haven’t achieved my goal of not being a doormat. I’ve found I struggle to confront friends more so than anyone else. While it sucks people around me have taken advantage of my doormat-ness, it’s also kind of on me to stop them, let alone not be around *those* people.

 I think that’s why this pattern has gone on for so long. Also, I’m not rich like Selena Gomez so “killing people with kindness” probably manifested in different ways for us. I know this now!

Here’s to the on going journey of self-love, one I’ve found the “unfollow” button on all socials helps a lot with!

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“pick me”

Let me begin with this: I blame men. I blame the rom-coms you wrote, the manic-pixie-dream girls you created, the image you invented for us to live up to. Que Cool Girl monologue. 

From what I can gather, the term “pick-me” girl comes from the Grey’s Anatomy monologue where she’s all “pick me, choose me, love me” and I guess that works? I’ve never seen the show but I assume both of these characters die at some point. Anyways. The urban dictionary definition is, “a woman that is willing to do anything for male approval. She will embarrass or throw other women under the bus to achieve this goal. The unfortunate thing about a pick me is usually the men they are trying to seek approval from are of poor quality and treat women badly, leaving little real benefit for the pick me.” Woooof.

Before I dig in, I want to emphasize the empathy necessary to dissect… whatever this term is. It likely comes from a place of insecurity, and as someone who is working through their insecurities(!!) I can confirm that it sucks and is a really hard thing to do. I also don’t love the term “pick-me” girl because it feels… sexist? Maybe it’s because the term feels like it was also invented by a man. Or because it’s caused by men. The person losing in a pick-me situation is always the “pick-me” girl. There aren’t many situations you can predict, but unfortunately, you can predict pick-me situations. 

High school was rampant with traits of the “pick me” urban dictionary definition – girls fighting over boys who weren’t even present during said fight, trying to seem “different” as if that makes you more attractive, constantly pitting ourselves against each other. And for what? Unwashed fools from Brooklyn, who don’t care about anything except Kubrick (but especially not you), whose only drive in life is swiping on tinder? WHY???!!!!! FOR WHAT BABES!!!!??? Never, not once, did it result in anything except for broken friendships and angry moms. In high school nobody could internalize that high school, but especially high school boys, do not matter. I excuse this time in a woman’s life, because when I was 15 someone could tell me I was pretty and I’d still find a way to think they were insulting me. It is so, so hard emotionally to be a teenage girl. Obviously, I wish that we hadn’t all grown up thinking the only thing that mattered was falling in love (so that we could be WIVES !! duh), but that’s America I guess.

The real issue for me, is how this behavior continues post high school. There’s no more 8 period days or a set grade of people you have to do everything with. This makes it easier (key word EASIER) for all of us to grow out of our insecurities, no longer attached to the person everyone knew us as from 14-18. Some people do not want to be disattached from who they were in high school. For some, high school is the image they want to maintain. And I think that’s where the serious problems begin- when people actively refuse to grow.

I see adult women on twitter shading other adult women on twitter LITERALLY all the time. The most recent one I saw was over a girl writing jokes about shitty men. Nothing else, just a woman (who is a comic) making fun of another woman’s (who is a comic) style of joke writing. But…. not in the way that you poke fun at someone. It was clear “shade.” The replies had many, many men piling on, as if they were vampires that’d been invited into the house by a Disney mom. THIS IS WHY “PICK-ME” is so dangerous. Female comics already have a tough time making vulgar jokes without being ostracized, so when female comics- for no reason- publicly attack each other- it enables the assholes who started this whole problem in the first place. 

The point I keep coming back to in my mind is that some people just don’t want to grow. And sometimes a side effect of that is throwing other women under the bus to make yourself look better. This is because of internalized misogyny, and coming back to the theme of it all…. Insecurity!!! If you or someone you know sounds like this description… there’s always time to come back from the dark side<3 I promise pretending you like IPA’s will not help you get the babies sooner. 

But also, please be nice to yourself because getting over insecurities is a biiitch and the first step is to start thinking highly of yourself. Take your time, it will take lots of it. I PROMISE it will result in a higher quality man than someone who won’t even have breakfast with you. Also, be nice to other women! I’m insecure and you don’t see me tweeting away at girls who didn’t do anything wrong!

And, for those asking why I hate men so much, clearly you haven’t been reading close enough because I feel I’ve made your flaws and how you can improve on them very clear.

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how to be a man: dating

This is Part 4 of my series How To Be A Man, By Me, A Woman

I’m sure you’re all tired of hearing the term “fuckboy.” But, for a brief moment, try and imagine how tired those subject to them are.

One of the big deal breakers of friendships is how understanding they are of watching their friends be screwed over by a fuckboy. It is one of the most unnecessarily time consuming experiences for both parties. Why? Because the person being screwed over has no answers and the friends only options are to either 1. Break the news that they are being fucked by a fuckboy or 2. Spend days coming up with other reasons it didn’t work out. Mostly, it’s a give-and-take mix of the two.

The idea that someone you’re dating can ghost, lead on, cheat, etc. without explicit reasoning- THIS is why fuckboys are such a topic of conversation. It’s all so confusing, or so obvious, that it is the friends duty to help dissect, interpret- or read it for what it is. 

If I were giving advice to whoever was on the receiving end of the ghosting, I’d say there were probably red flags they chose to avoid because they never got an explicit rejection. But, I am giving advice to you, men. So, here’s what you must do:

I need you to be explicitly clear with your partners. If you don’t know what you want, I mean most of the time I feel like there’s your answer, but if you’re committed to that truth, share it anyways. At least you said something. 

The issue with rejection is that nobody likes hearing it. So, often, even if men are doing the whole “I have too much work to date” thing, the receiving end doesn’t fully receive. Because you FOOLISH MEN follow those statements with forehead kisses and compliments and booty calls that have no end until we, the friends watching, are forced to intervene and shut a situation that has nothing to do with us down.

 Save the good friends around the world with actually committing to your truth. For example, if you say you “need to work on yourself,” and that’s really an excuse to stop seeing that person, don’t contact that person again. That weird, out of pocket “How are you?” you’re thinking of sending cause you’re bored and missing attention? Don’t send it. Refer to Part 3, where I advise those seeking attention to revert to thirst traps. Feeling hot never fails to help you feel validated in your subconscious insecurities.

Now, when you’re past the fuckboy stage, and going into dating territory, hopefully you know how you feel. Lock it down or go, don’t waste either of your times- and if you really don’t know how you feel, you’re probably not ready yet. Or haven’t found the right person. You must be ready to treat your partner like royalty. Ready to accept flaws, be there in the times of distress, never wavering your affection. If it’s the right person, this should be easy. 

It’s odd because although relationships are work, it seems the hardest part for many is making it to the title itself. Situationships rule this generation because people are greedy: they want romantic affection and intimacy, but without commitment. This selfishness is what coined the term fuckboy: because too damn many of you are thinking about yourselves. How are you going to care for another person if all you’re focused on is you? Self love is crucial, but there’s a fine line between self-care, selfishness, and narcissism. Sometimes, self care IS being selfish.

 But, self care is not ghosting someone who has done nothing other than give attention that, until a certain point, was mutual.

Use your words like a grown human being, and please, let the girls relax!

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,next

As with every new year, people make “resolutions.” But, with a year such as 2020, making resolutions is basically impossible? All my goals going into 2020 differ from 2021 in that before, my goals were limitless. I had the idea of getting a gym membership, or doing stand up every night the whole year. Now, my goals are “getting anything done” and “just passing.” 

If it weren’t obvious because I’m the kind of person who has a blog, I am the kind of person who loves NYE resolutions. I never, ever accomplish them but I feel as though I accomplished something in coming up with ideas of what I could do.

So, here is my list of things I will likely not indulge in, but would like to, in 2021:

  1. I want to be a yoga person. This was my resolution in 2018, in which I attended one (1) class and have yet to return.
  2. I want to be able to pick heavy things up. Achieving this means working out though, something I can’t do because I cannot afford a gym membership, but also because as a woman, working out around men is worse than not working out at all.
  3. Stop being a little bitch and be able to watch horror movies. Ever since I was little, I genuinely cannot watch horror movies. I am 20 years old and to this day if I watch a horror movie, it is all I will be able to see/think about (particularly around my boyfriend’s suburban house) for weeks after. It is a high risk, low reward scenario that I would like to overcome, particularly so I can watch genres beyond comedies and reality TV.
  4. Make more FRIENDS. Before, especially in college, it felt effortless to make friends. You’re constantly surrounded by people your age, who like similar things as you. Are every single one of these friendships lifelong? No, but that’s not the point of making friends. Now, having an acquaintance is almost harder than a close friend. Naturally finding people and connecting with them has become its own Herculean task. All my close friends in high school didn’t attend my school, I met them at parties or in big groups of friends. It was all so… before. I miss her (b4), I want her back!!!
  5. I am begging myself to not make another drastic hair change because I did *4* of them in 2020 and my anxiety cannot take that again.

I am hopeful- or not hopeful, I guess I’m really just trying to be optimistic about 2021. Realistic. COVID hit us like a surprise in 2020, at least in 2021 we know what this year holds in store for us. But, then again, I never thought a plague would actually take over the world in this day and age. We can’t predict anything.

But, we CAN have what we have every new year, something that we can always count on: our never addressed, but coming from such a good place, New Year’s Resolutions ❤

Happy New Year Babes!

Xoxo rubes