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moral objectification- your questions answered

Opinions on hookup culture?? I get so triggered when people tell me hooking up is objectifying- but doesn’t dating just to get married and be with someone objectify your partner in the same way?”

Ok, there’s a lot of words happening here! If I am being honest, I had to read the latter like 4 times and still don’t fully understand what these people are telling you. Before we even get to objectification, let’s talk about “hookup culture.”

My simplified, ideal definition of hookup culture is: people who are there just to have fun and do so! Key phrase- just there to have fun. Is it objectification if all parties are truly there to do as the title says? I don’t think so, and if it is, maybe it’s… moral objectification? Everyone involved is there…. consenting to objectify each other I guess? To put it plainly: they just want to fuck!

Where objectification and hookup culture can get ~unmoral~ is when it becomes a mix of dating and hookup culture. Remember, by my ideal definition: hookup culture is literal. It’s tricky as hooking up is part of dating “culture.” But, I don’t think the reverse can work. As soon as dating becomes involved, it’s no longer “hook up culture.” Unfortunately, most people don’t have the backbone to explicitly state their boundaries between the two. 

I talk about this in How To Be A Man a bit, because I secretly think communication can feel harder in hookups than in relationships. When you’ve been dating someone for 2 years, you probably (I hope) know how to express your boundaries to your partner. Although it may be awkward, it’s crucial everyone, especially those in need of it- just talk. Literally just say your feelings. Don’t be rude, obviously, but if you need those lines clearly drawn or need confusion cleared up, don’t hesitate to ask. Save yourself unnecessary stress- isn’t that the whole point of “hookup culture?”

So, to answer the latter of your question, I guess marriage is the ultimate moral objectification. People gathering an entire group of people to watch them declare publicly: they morally fuck.

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freshman are ruining my life

My secret is that I am actually a college student, and have been for 3 years. I’ve tried to maintain a “career,” education, and a social life. Obviously the pandemic has made only education just barely possible. When I got into a performing arts high school in 8th grade, I was so excited to meet people like me. I thought the reason I didn’t end up befriending many students there was because theater brings out the worst in most people. So, I decided to go to comedy school- which is a decision we can get into another time. On a social level though, I was stoked to be around people who also did the thing I loved and wanted to pursue. But, it happened again- even though a lot of my peers are just as passionate as I am about comedy and film, it turns out that can actually be its own subsection of terrible. I have come to terms with the fact that no matter where I go, there will be people I don’t like.

I don’t know why I had pictured a location where people like the same thing to equate friendship. I guess I always pictured it as a Divergent type, where we all have factions of the world and when we find them we exist and play there forever. This also could have been a coping mechanism to get through middle/high school/college. But, not clicking with people is something that as a human I should get used to. Sure, I can do that- fine! 

BUT- There is a difference between me not becoming besties with someone, and a bunch of freshmen I have never met being the reason for the lockdown of a school of less than 3,000 kids. Because now, I am not just holding in my rage and dislike towards the people who semi-effect me. Now, I am being aggressively affected by a likely terrible dorm party (on a floor of COMEDY MAJORS of all cursed locations!!!) These people have consequently shut productions, BFA’s, finals- things many of us who have been responsible have been working towards our entire college careers.

I too miss hanging out in a group of friends. But, your shitty dorm party has now resulted in chaos and disappointment. I’ve never given into the idea that upperclassmen are smarter than underclassmen, because I think people of all ages can be stupid. So, I will of course not blame an entire graduating class. But, I WILL blame whoever the hell those kids are. And yes, those people are kids to me, because only children would put the entire college into lockdown just so they could try to hookup with someone.

I can deal with not loving theater kids. I can even deal with people who can’t stop doing bits. But, I absolutely CANNOT deal with having another semester of my titular years of college go to waste. And for the debt I’m in…. These kids better start writing me checks because I will find a pro bono lawyer and come for that money!! 

I hope you have a more peaceful week than I did. I also hope you are somewhere in your life where terms like “upperclassmen” and “freshman” aren’t super important. I will not be complaining about this on Twitter, as to not get caught- that’s why I put all my secrets on a blog, because I know no matter what I do, they will not read it<3 Something about paragraphs scares people, but I’m loving this 1-page book vibe. 

Xoxoxo send my your questions

rubes

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patience- your questions answered

“As a feminist, one of the things I struggle with is how, simply, to protect myself from men. I ask this question specifically because in our society, with all the entitled, trash white men in the world, I am called to be assertive, bold and upfront in order to not have men take advantage of me. Unfortunately, I am not by nature any of these qualities– my natural personality is much more associated with how a “traditional” woman should behave (patient, nurturing, etc.). Mediating between being myself and unintentionally fulfilling discriminatory norms about women is very difficult! Do you have any advice?”- StrongWoman

Your words resonate with me, and I’m sure with others. I think I’ve said this before, but I believe after the #MeToo movement, men didn’t really change- they just adjusted. Switched their catcalls to anonymous reply guy accounts, maybe learned a few new words, the “big guys” got taken down- and the work was done! While the #MeToo era started the conversation, there was no end. The subtleties of rape culture remain untouched subjects. I still don’t think most people truly Believe Women. You are right to be protecting yourself- we are in an environment that requires us to. 

But, you also need to give yourself some credit!!!!

 Why is being patient and nurturing NOT strength? As someone who is very bad at being patient, I can confirm 100% it takes all of my strength to listen to someone who can’t get to the point. Patience is something few men have, which is why they are weak. Even if it only helps your piece of mind, reframe your lens of the “traditional woman.” Despite what men want us to believe, strength is not steroids and rage and denial. Strength is the ability to GIVE BIRTH, think critically, be vulnerable- all things that men have traditionally deemed “weak” because they cannot allow themselves to go there. Men are rarely consistent except when it comes to control. Your inherent nature is just as strong as an assertive and bold personality. 

I like to think about temperament as the different element powers (earth/fire/air/water). For example, I think my element would be fire. While fire is fire, you obviously need to learn to control your powers or you’ll burn your school’s forest down (Winx Saga, anyone?) No matter what your element/temperament may be, it’s about control. Learning how to help yourself either step out or step back when necessary. I get extremely heated (no pun intended) and have a hard time keeping my mouth shut- this is my challenge in exercising control. Instead of using your patience on others, try using it on yourself. Don’t be angry about your temperament- embrace it and find your power in it. Don’t hesitate to reach out to loved ones for help when you need. I think as women we are often afraid to ask for more- breaking this begins with basic self-love.

I say this often about relationships, but I think it applies here too: don’t live by what other people say because they aren’t you. Your best friend’s definition of a StrongWomanTM could be the loudest, most assertive lady ever. But, that’s just her definition. You control your perspective just as you control your patience. In terms of literal protection, I will never discourage a pepper spray just in case. Your mental protection though, is a longstanding journey that you can take comfort in knowing every woman is forever on.

 But if you really want to have a fiery attitude, there is definitely a Spotify playlist for that.

Xoxo rubes

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breaking my silence not tatti westbrook style

Podcasts, blogs, definitely youtube videos for people who don’t already have a huge following are basically just people talking to themselves. Hoping that one day, after years of monologuing to nobody, something will come of it. What I loved about stand up comedy was the ability to force people to hear you. Unless your set is that bad, for 10 minutes, you have an opportunity to not speak into the void for once. There’s an instant reaction, and hopefully connection, between you and the people you’re speaking to. Not having that as a constant, especially switching to ~blogging, has emphasized the silence that comes with the Internet as a medium.

I’ve been growing increasingly freaked out by Internet fame lately. Even though I have as much of a presence on Twitter as Meryl Steep in Mamma Mia 2, I haven’t tweeted in 2 months out of… fear? Every day, I watch female comedians of large and small platforms getting harassed on Twitter for jokes they weren’t even paid to put out. The only reaction being to these tweets are likes and COMMENTS- which I firmly believe are not the same thing as audience laughs. If someone said a whole sentence, or even a fraction of what the Incels say in the replies, they’d probably be kicked out?  Twitter is basically all of the negative parts of comedy- no pay, hecklers, and people stealing your jokes. Yet, Twitter plays an integral role in Internet comedy. Many comics get notoriety through Twitter, which does ultimately lead to jobs. But, at what cost?

TikTok is the new member of Internet fame- and arguably the most influential. There should definitely be an HBOMax documentary on its ridiculous impact on the music industry alone. But, beyond the artists who have found extreme success through TikTok, we find thousands of accounts with hundreds of thousands of followers with little niches. TikTok from what I’ve seen is extremely hit or miss in terms of harassment. There are cases/videos where it seems as if the comment section is tag teaming to ruin or build the creators ego. The frightening, and to some, enticing part of TikTok is the fame many extremely young people have found from it. People literally younger than me (and I’m 20) are millionaires from dancing and sponsorships. If that’s your thing, TikTok is quite possibly the best thing that could happen to you. But what scares me is the level of perception. No doubt, TikTok is better at getting your content “out there” than any other platform. And instead of everyone in the comments being a creepy 40 year old man, it’s high schoolers, which are a different kind of scary. 

As someone who loves writing and performing, both look and have different effects in the digital age. I want people to hear me, but I’m terrified of their ability to tell me exactly how they feel about it. I’d rather their judgement be a deafening silence in a comedy club that everyone forgets about than a comment posted for everyone to read and agree with forever and ever. BUT ALSO- beyond my irrational fears of being perceived- there is an immediacy to Internet celebrity. Things truly go viral “overnight,” and have the chance to change a person’s life, for better or for worse. 

There’s something about Internet comedy that breaks the fun of spontaneity. There’s also something about Internet fame that doesn’t sit right with me more so than “regular” fame. But I’m also not someone looking to join a Hype House, so. 

More soon. Send me your questions, ask me for advice, I plan to come back from my “fear of being perceived” silence. 

Xoxo rubes

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triple C Clout

Can I just say- there is nothing wrong with wanting fame, attention, eyes on your work. If that is what you want, you know what that entails. So, you must really want it. As a writer, I don’t want fame per se, but it would be nice if more than 30 people read my blog. Wanting to be seen, heard, recognized- these are all very human traits. But, there is a way of going about those goals without losing yourself and disrespecting the people around you.

I see a difference between social climbers and “clout chasers.” To me, social climbers are people who have a niche for elitism. Clout chasers are a byproduct of the digital age, people who seek attention, possibly even fame. Clout chasers, like social climbers, need other people to achieve their goal. They latch onto whomever they think will get them to the next person who will get them to the next person who will introduce them to Ariana Grande and somehow that’ll make them have reached “success.”  There seems to be a disconnect from the reality of what people believe networking/connections are? 

 It’s odd because in non-uber-famous people communities, such as colleges or Brooklyn, Clout Chasers are actually frequent characters. In high school, I thought clout could be pertained in many ways. For example, some (many) obtained “clout” by taking 3 Triple C’s before 9AM. What’s Triple C? I still don’t really know! But, 15 year olds should definitely not be taking it before Spanish class. For clarification, I definitely do not think clout can be pertained in this way!

I think there are two types of CC’s, those that do actually seek fame for themselves, and those that are happy to be near it. But, they function in the exact same way. Clout is attention, but on a normal-person level, it looks like moving through friend groups, it’s about who gains the most… admiration? “Friends”? In hopes that the 500~ people around them will…. think they’re hot? Even though these people know the majority of people around them???What’s going on there! Normally, I wouldn’t give any notice to what others are doing with their lives because quite frankly, to quote Cabaret, I don’t care much! But, where I take issue with it, are all the people clout chasers are stepping on and using along the way. Because, clout chasers are not in it for the friendships- they are in it for how the people they have befriended will make them look to other CC’s. There seems to be zero regard for the feelings of others. And again, for what? A repost? A party invite? Or do all of these people actually want to be… famous???

Anyone who has fallen victim to a CC friendship knows it’s similar to an orientation week friend: for a week, you’re best friends, texting non-stop, almost immediately having inside jokes. Then, the second that connection is made, it ends as quickly as it began. Because the goal has been accomplished; they can now comment on your posts, ask a favor of you, which to them is cool, I guess. They straight up say thank u, next but like… bestie edition.

At the end of the day, the gain is on the end of the CC, as they have gotten the attention and validation they sought out in the first place. But, where does it end? What if they succeed, and meet everyone they could possibly meet? What are they to do then?

Ok. Back to not thinking about this anymore and hopefully never again<3

Also, stop letting rich kids get more rich! Spread the wealth! Literally! 

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adopting selena gomez’s methods

All my dreams lately have had three main recurring components: people from my past, the general feeling of everyone being mad at me, and- stay with me- Hillary Clinton. The part I’m most concerned about is obviously the latter because I try to keep Hillary as a non-key component of my life. She lives in a repressed part of my brain along with all other “celebrities” that tweet one word and get 500K likes after disastrous world events. 

The only link I can see to all of this is the years 2015-2016, which is when Hillary was the expected president and I was in high school, constantly thinking people were mad at me. I always thought that eventually, all of these insecurities and teenage dreads would end- and they did. But, if that’s true, why am I having stress dreams about situations I haven’t thought about since graduation?

I’ve been a doormat my whole life. An eternal optimist, I was taught to treat people with kindness. The issue with teaching kindness is we forget the limitations of what and who is deserving of it. Yes, you should never put out negative energy- but you should not waste your positive energy. This is a concept I only recently grasped. I grew up treating people with kindness, but more than often not receiving it back. Okay, I thought, well Selena Gomez preaches Kill ‘Em With Kindness and she’s successful so I’ll do that. And so, the cycle began.

  Despite having a mother who literally advised me to “punch my bullies in the box,” I’ve never been great at standing up for myself in social situations. Elementary, middle and high school felt like they were competing for which could make me befriend people worse for me. And the little things, even at a young age, began to build. My fuse got shorter, lashing out over minute problems that barely deserved my attention. Suddenly, I was taking so much shit from the people I didn’t even know that well, and putting that negative energy on the people who loved me. It was a lose-lose, unfair trade both ways.

 And now, at 20, I find myself being affected by it still. The hurt that I brushed over for long catches up to me- I still have moments of lashing out over nothing, and I still feel extremely triggered by girls wearing chokers.  Because for so long, and even still, I have allowed so many people to speak down to me, without directly confronting them- particularly, in the moment.

 A comic once said to me, “Always prepare heckler jokes,” as every comic inevitably has their encounters with a drunken asshole. If you have the jokes prepared, it makes it easier to prepare how to respond. Even if you don’t use those jokes and improvise something else, at least your strength has been manifesting for some time. 

Fights, rude comments, even hecklers- cannot ever fully be “prepared” for. It’s about building up the knowledge, stamina and power to handle whatever is thrown at you- at any moment. I still haven’t achieved my goal of not being a doormat. I’ve found I struggle to confront friends more so than anyone else. While it sucks people around me have taken advantage of my doormat-ness, it’s also kind of on me to stop them, let alone not be around *those* people.

 I think that’s why this pattern has gone on for so long. Also, I’m not rich like Selena Gomez so “killing people with kindness” probably manifested in different ways for us. I know this now!

Here’s to the on going journey of self-love, one I’ve found the “unfollow” button on all socials helps a lot with!

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how to be a man: dating

This is Part 4 of my series How To Be A Man, By Me, A Woman

I’m sure you’re all tired of hearing the term “fuckboy.” But, for a brief moment, try and imagine how tired those subject to them are.

One of the big deal breakers of friendships is how understanding they are of watching their friends be screwed over by a fuckboy. It is one of the most unnecessarily time consuming experiences for both parties. Why? Because the person being screwed over has no answers and the friends only options are to either 1. Break the news that they are being fucked by a fuckboy or 2. Spend days coming up with other reasons it didn’t work out. Mostly, it’s a give-and-take mix of the two.

The idea that someone you’re dating can ghost, lead on, cheat, etc. without explicit reasoning- THIS is why fuckboys are such a topic of conversation. It’s all so confusing, or so obvious, that it is the friends duty to help dissect, interpret- or read it for what it is. 

If I were giving advice to whoever was on the receiving end of the ghosting, I’d say there were probably red flags they chose to avoid because they never got an explicit rejection. But, I am giving advice to you, men. So, here’s what you must do:

I need you to be explicitly clear with your partners. If you don’t know what you want, I mean most of the time I feel like there’s your answer, but if you’re committed to that truth, share it anyways. At least you said something. 

The issue with rejection is that nobody likes hearing it. So, often, even if men are doing the whole “I have too much work to date” thing, the receiving end doesn’t fully receive. Because you FOOLISH MEN follow those statements with forehead kisses and compliments and booty calls that have no end until we, the friends watching, are forced to intervene and shut a situation that has nothing to do with us down.

 Save the good friends around the world with actually committing to your truth. For example, if you say you “need to work on yourself,” and that’s really an excuse to stop seeing that person, don’t contact that person again. That weird, out of pocket “How are you?” you’re thinking of sending cause you’re bored and missing attention? Don’t send it. Refer to Part 3, where I advise those seeking attention to revert to thirst traps. Feeling hot never fails to help you feel validated in your subconscious insecurities.

Now, when you’re past the fuckboy stage, and going into dating territory, hopefully you know how you feel. Lock it down or go, don’t waste either of your times- and if you really don’t know how you feel, you’re probably not ready yet. Or haven’t found the right person. You must be ready to treat your partner like royalty. Ready to accept flaws, be there in the times of distress, never wavering your affection. If it’s the right person, this should be easy. 

It’s odd because although relationships are work, it seems the hardest part for many is making it to the title itself. Situationships rule this generation because people are greedy: they want romantic affection and intimacy, but without commitment. This selfishness is what coined the term fuckboy: because too damn many of you are thinking about yourselves. How are you going to care for another person if all you’re focused on is you? Self love is crucial, but there’s a fine line between self-care, selfishness, and narcissism. Sometimes, self care IS being selfish.

 But, self care is not ghosting someone who has done nothing other than give attention that, until a certain point, was mutual.

Use your words like a grown human being, and please, let the girls relax!

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,next

As with every new year, people make “resolutions.” But, with a year such as 2020, making resolutions is basically impossible? All my goals going into 2020 differ from 2021 in that before, my goals were limitless. I had the idea of getting a gym membership, or doing stand up every night the whole year. Now, my goals are “getting anything done” and “just passing.” 

If it weren’t obvious because I’m the kind of person who has a blog, I am the kind of person who loves NYE resolutions. I never, ever accomplish them but I feel as though I accomplished something in coming up with ideas of what I could do.

So, here is my list of things I will likely not indulge in, but would like to, in 2021:

  1. I want to be a yoga person. This was my resolution in 2018, in which I attended one (1) class and have yet to return.
  2. I want to be able to pick heavy things up. Achieving this means working out though, something I can’t do because I cannot afford a gym membership, but also because as a woman, working out around men is worse than not working out at all.
  3. Stop being a little bitch and be able to watch horror movies. Ever since I was little, I genuinely cannot watch horror movies. I am 20 years old and to this day if I watch a horror movie, it is all I will be able to see/think about (particularly around my boyfriend’s suburban house) for weeks after. It is a high risk, low reward scenario that I would like to overcome, particularly so I can watch genres beyond comedies and reality TV.
  4. Make more FRIENDS. Before, especially in college, it felt effortless to make friends. You’re constantly surrounded by people your age, who like similar things as you. Are every single one of these friendships lifelong? No, but that’s not the point of making friends. Now, having an acquaintance is almost harder than a close friend. Naturally finding people and connecting with them has become its own Herculean task. All my close friends in high school didn’t attend my school, I met them at parties or in big groups of friends. It was all so… before. I miss her (b4), I want her back!!!
  5. I am begging myself to not make another drastic hair change because I did *4* of them in 2020 and my anxiety cannot take that again.

I am hopeful- or not hopeful, I guess I’m really just trying to be optimistic about 2021. Realistic. COVID hit us like a surprise in 2020, at least in 2021 we know what this year holds in store for us. But, then again, I never thought a plague would actually take over the world in this day and age. We can’t predict anything.

But, we CAN have what we have every new year, something that we can always count on: our never addressed, but coming from such a good place, New Year’s Resolutions ❤

Happy New Year Babes!

Xoxo rubes

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how to be a man, by me, a woman: thoughts and opinions

This is Part 3 of my series How To Be A Man, By Me, A Woman

It seems as though when I post small sections of my blog on social media, men who haven’t read my full article see words like “sex” or “porn” and immediatley feel inclined to tell me their opinion. You seem to have missed the point; I have no interest in hearing your thoughts on the subject, just how you seemed to not care about mine, as you didn’t even read my full post. Which, if you would’ve, you’d discover I had actually addressed your “opinions.” 

Men do this often- it’s a way for them to feel they’ve done their “duty.” Their manly mission- “surely, everyone- particularly women- needs a man’s help!” 

This is the mental illness that is being a man- but, with therapy and lots of self-reflection, it can be cured. 

As a woman, in almost any setting, you are forced to learn when to speak. When to insert yourself. My mom raised me to speak my mind whenever I felt like it- but it’s not her fault that in rooms full of men, I am forced to be calculated.

 A man in a room full of women is free to feel like he’s in heaven. A woman in a room full of men has to acknowledge fear. 

Men are raised in a world that it appears they run. They can just get away with shit. But, in my world, the world I am trying to teach you, men, about- that’s not how it works. You must think like a woman- meaning before you speak, you must think. “Is this thought for me to say something, or is this thought saying something?” 

If you just want attention, do what women have trained themselves to do, a skill we’ve mastered- post a thirst trap. You can achieve your goal of getting attention without mansplaining. 

It’s not that your thoughts/feelings don’t matter, they just don’t matter to us. Have all the thoughts, opinions, rants- internally- as you want. But, some things don’t need to be said, particularly on the internet. 

Imagine a world where nobody had to be calculated- all thoughts completely unfiltered, off the cusp, improv-ing life. That would literally be the worst world ever. It is appropriate to read the room, to think about how your words impact it. Yes, I don’t understand how all men wear the same 3 shirts their whole lives, but I’d never ask them to their faces. 

Time and place, people. Time and place!

xoxo rubes

Part 4: Dating Coming Soon

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how to be a man, by me, a woman: rejection

This is Part 1 of My Series: How to Be a Man, By Me, A Woman

Select few men know how to hear this word, then internalize it: rejection. What do you do after a woman rejects you? Do you:

  1. Politely leave and don’t ask again.
  2. Ask if she’s sure.
  3. Call her a bitch.

Now, I know your impulse may be B or C. Most people, on the inside, can relate to rejecting rejection. But, the difference between some men and everyone else, is that the rest of us know what to keep to ourselves. Why doesn’t everyone want to hear everything I’m thinking though? Great question! Because, even though your mother made you feel otherwise, nobody cares what you think, especially the opinions you deem “hot takes” (hint: you are using the term “hot take” to say something really weird and deeply rooted in misogyny).

I’m going to say something scary: even though a girl is hot, she is actually totally allowed to never, ever date/fuck/marry you. But, how could someone reject me? This is another very relatable question you ask! The answer is: because they can.

What if, and this one is really intense, a girl is hot… and funny? What then? How does that happen? Or work? Even though random articles by incels may make you think otherwise, it’s actually entirely possible for this to happen. In this situation, you can refer to the paragraph above, and allow your ego to feel hurt. It probably needs it.

Such ego can be seen around society- intense fraternity hazing that borders between homoerotic and masacistic, our literal government, the fact that most rich guys are active pedophiles (see: government). Men publicly and proudly say and do these things- such as throwing their pledges in the Charles River- because they have been so deeply rejected otherwise, they feel as though doing this is a justification of their manliness. 

But also, because they can.

Although women “just can” reject men, there comes the aspect of rejection out of a woman’s control: a man’s reaction. Will he let his anger and confusion over his ego dictate the rest of his life? Or will he wisely reflect on his injustices- and grow from them? Men have a hall-pass, especially rich men, on how many fuck-ups they are allowed before there are repercussions. Their number? Infinity<3

You may notice the tone of this article- it feels a bit… condescending? Almost as if I’m acting like I know more than you, on a subject I know no more about than you. Now, imagine all men talking to you like this …. In almost every classroom, workplace, and social setting?

Would you go insane and try to pursue comedy, too?

xoxo rubes

Part 2: Sex Coming Soon